Sometimes, I HATE Being a Mom.

It is a tough job.  Most of you are thinking that this has something to do with the endless piles of laundry, or the cranky kids that sometimes make you want to run away from home and never return.  Some days those things feel like they are never going to end, and I may find myself on the floor crying, but it is not those things that I hate about being a mother, and to be honest there are very few things I hate about motherhood.

I recently posted on Facebook that we were struggling with one of our children and for the past two weeks I have been trying to come to terms with the situation.  We need to do some testing, but in my heart I know that something isn't right in my child's world, and you will soon discover that it is our sweet Brett that is struggling.  There have been so many signs that Jon and I wrote off as normal behavior, thinking that someday he would out grow them and so many things that the doctors brushed off.  Life got so bad that Brett and I had to start seeing a therapist.  At our very first session the therapist asked us if we had thought about testing Brett for Autism.  I shrugged it off, telling the therapist that we think Brett may be ADD/ADHD, but not Autistic.  The next day, after school I causally mentioned Autism to Brett's teacher and she agreed that in all of her years as a school teacher, Brett did exhibit signs of this disorder.  I cried the whole way home from school that day, and most of the rest of the evening and into the next day.  I longed to have a friend close that I could cry to, but moving across country has left all of my close friends in Ann Arbor.  When Jon and I had researched Autism, we were shocked that Brett was showing all but one sign of Asperger's Syndrome.  We know that there is still hope that Brett is not Autistic, we would be very surprised if he wasn't.  

While I know that Autism isn't the end of the world, it is also not what makes me hate motherhood.  It is knowing the struggles that he faces and those struggles that he is going to have to face.  I know, because I have worked with an Autistic child, and it is hell for the child and the family. Most people ridiculed and belittled the boy and his family, because they didn't understand, and when things were explained to them they were still mean and hurtful.  It was hard to watch, but I never really knew how hard it was on this child's mother. Autistic kids are super smart, funny, brave and I love being around them. They see the world in a different way than most kids, but they struggle in so many areas.  For Brett it is hard to watch him struggle to make friends.  Then seeing him find the one kid that he likes and having that kid tell Brett that he doesn't want to play with him.  It is the odd stare from the neighborhood kid, who Brett adores, when Brett tries to talk to him.  Brett is so sad when he tells me these things, and I am powerless to do anything to help him.  It is heartbreaking for me to have to relate the incident to Jon at the end of the day.  I want to talk to these kid's moms, but I know that it will not help.  Kids are kids, and they can be the most kind and caring people in the world, but they can also be the most cruel and unforgiving people on the playground.  There is nothing worse than watching your child struggle, with illness or the mean kids on the playground and knowing that there is nothing that you can do.  Even though I would gladly go through all the hurt and pain for him, I can't.  And I HATE it.

Life may give me and my family sicknesses, cranky kids, flooded kitchens, poop all over the house, permanent marker on the wall, fights to break up, and so on. And while I definitely don't enjoy experiencing these things in my life, I can handle it, I can and will do hard things. No matter how hard my life is, I love it.  I love my kids, and that I think is what makes it so hard to watch them struggle.  I cry thinking about the upcoming test that Brett has to do, I cry when I watch him, I cry when I think about all the times I got frustrated with him and now I realize it wasn't his fault.  I cry,when the mean kids say things to him.  In the end my heartaches for Brett.

I love being a mom to a super smart kid.  I love it when Brett can tell me a knock knock joke for the hundredth time and the only reason I laugh is because of his laughter after he is done telling the joke, it is infectious.  I love being a mom when he runs into my arms at the end of every school day.  I love being a mom, when we talk about how much his Heavenly Father loves him.  I love being a mom every time I get love from him.  I love being Brett's mom.

We {Heart} Essential Oils

We LOVE Essential Oils in our house!  My kids love them so much that they are always asking me to put "My Oils" on them.  When we were first introduced to essential oils in April of 2012. Jon, being a man of science, is skeptical of Essential Oils (EO) in general, and I was skeptical too.  The main reason we started trying essential oils was for my postpartum depression, but there were a few other things that were going on that made us want to try the EO's.  A few of those pesky problems were:

*Persistent Eczema

*Daily Migraines 

*Common colds

*Chronic upset tummies

*Sore joints from exercising

*Increased frustration from work

Jon's family kept touting the virtues of EO and so we decided to give it a try.  We ordered our oils and they came a few day later.  I was sad because my depression oil didn't come but it did come with a bonus oil called WakeUp that I had no clue what to do with.  I looked up the oil in a reference book that I had received and noted that this oil was used for helping people feel more energetic and awake.  Even though it wasn't the oil I was expecting I was excited because I was struggling with sluggishness in the morning.  It was so bad that if I didn't start my day with a shower I had trouble getting going before noon. As a mother there is no way in this world that you can start your day that late without having chaos on your hands.  I decided to give WakeUp a try and diffuse it in the morning.  The difference was incredible.  I was able to get up out of bed and start cleaning my house at 8 am and not be the least bit groggy.  I was sold on WakeUp.

As you know from my last post I have postpartum depression.  They say that home can be heaven on Earth but my depression made everything in my life just the opposite.  I was willing to try anything to help fight the depression and so I started using EO.  I have several EO that I use for my depression, but the one that I like the most is Baby Me.  Baby Me is also used for Mothers and babies.  The only way that I can describe the effects of Baby Me would be for you to imagine an empty jar that you fill with rocks.  Even though the jar appears full there are still gaps, so you take sand and fill in those gaps.  When I wear or smell Baby Me, I can feel the gaps in my soul fill and I feel good.  For me Baby Me is even better when I apply it and then go running. I was sold on Baby Me.

Kate has horrible Eczema all over her body, her eczema is so bad that some nights she can't sleep.  We have tried EVERYTHING and nothing has worked, the closest we have ever come to relieving her itching was Aquaphor, but even at that we had to apply it all the time and she would still be extremely itchy the next day.  So I whipped out my lavender oil and applied it to her whole body, a week went by before she started to complain again.  Now we apply it after every bath and if for some reason she needs an additional application she will come up to me and say, "Mom I need you to put some of my oils on me."  We were sold on Lavender.

I have daily migraines and during my pregnancy with Emma they were the worst.  So I started using the Mygraine.  If I can catch the migraine just right I can stop it.  Usually I have 5 severe migraines a year.  In the last 9 months that I have been using oils I have only had one medium migraine and that was in the middle of our move.  Mygraine has not cured my migraines, but it helps reduce the intensity. Sold.

We noticed such a significant difference in our lives that when an issue came up about anyone, Jon would joke and say, "I bet there is an oil for that."  I take him up on that and do my research and ordered the needed oil.  As we start using it we notice a difference as the condition improves.  Not only are we able to see a difference others have noticed differences too, especially Brett in school.  Now I never leave home with out our "most used" essential oils on hand, just in case.

Since starting essential oils in April we have used essential oils with great success for things like:

*That time of the month when everything is out of whack(I ordered that oil in bulk).

*Helping a child focus in school

*Get into the holiday season

*Colic

*Burns/rashes

*Cold and flu season this year x2 

*Leg cramps

*Helping my kids with their emotions

*Aches and pains

*Sinus infections

*Acne

*Sleepless nights due to teething

We have been super blessed with the use of EO in our home.  I buy my EO through a company called Butterfly Express. Butterfly Express sells 100% therapeutic grade essential oils.  These oils are the same quality as Young Living and Doterra but less expensive.  The reason they are less expensive is that when you buy from Butterfly Express you are buying directly from a company that doesn't have a ton of overhead and it is not multi-level marketing.  If you get your oils from one of Butterfly Express' distributors you can get your oils at an even lower cost to you.  I have nothing against Young Living and Doterra except for their high prices.  There is no way that I would be able to have Essential Oils in my home if I had to purchase them from either of these companies.  I have several family members who sell from each of these companies, I have used their oils and my family members have seen great results in their lives with their oils.

I am not trying to market anything with this post.  Using EO has been a great blessing in my life and I want to share it with you.  If you already use EO and have a company that you love, great.  If you have been interested in using EO but have been dissuaded by the price then talk to me and I can help you find a reasonable price.  Just PLEASE be careful of companies that sell oils at a ridiculously low price, chances are that those "essential oils" have been diluted and have no therapeutic properties what so ever.

If you have any questions about Essential Oils, please do not hesitate to ask. I love talking about essential oils and am excited to answer questions.  You can leave a question in the comments or you can email me, my email address is on the sidebar---->

If you want to try essential oils in your home let me know, I am distributor for Butterfly Express.  You can find out more about what oils are available at www.butterflyexpress.net

Postpartum Depression Part 2

When you start to feel the weight of the dirt crushing you, giving up is about all that you can think to do, and I was ready to give up.  Until I found out that there was a sister that lived close by that went running everyday.  I invited myself to go running with her.  She was so kind in letting me tag along and I am sure that I altered her exercise routine and that I talked her ear off way more than I should of.  She ran a mile every day and I pretended to run, it had been seven years since I have actively ran, due to knee problems so I was definitely not in running condition.  Still I knew that my friend would be by every morning and so I got up and went with her.  Her kindness meant the world to me and she was a positive force in my running.  I cried the day that I ran a half mile with out stopping for water or a break.  Running with my friend coupled with Essential oils, and I was starting shake the dirt off and step up.

We moved from Michigan to Washington and I started to have a tough time again.  Things in Washington had not gone as planned and even though we are still in a better place, things were starting to get really rough again. I had stopped running and stopped using my essential oils.  Christmas was hard, I had not had a Christmas that hard in the last 14 years.  I was actually praying that Christmas would pass me by or that maybe I would just die in my sleep of Christmas Eve.  My mother and my sweet husband were doing everything in their power to help, My mother and father bought me a live Christmas tree that smelled soo good.  Jon bought me a poinsettia  which is a tradition and something that I love to get at Christmas time.  The best gift ever was when everyone had pitched in and made me a distributor for Butterfly Express, the company that I get my essential oils from.  Christmas was better than I had plan and I started to shake things off again.  This time I was not going to let it get me,  I started to faithfully use my essential oils and  I asked out back yard neighbor (who is in our ward) if she would watch the kids while I went running everyday.  She agreed and two days later I was out running the neighborhood. I ran for what felt like forever in a huge circle and ended up at home.  I felt great and I didn't stop when the running got tough, when it got tough I could hear a voice in my head telling me to not stop but to slow down.  Encouraging words kept coming to me during my run and I was grateful for the voice of my Michigan friend helping me through my run.  I mapped my run and it was a complete mile, I was elated and I cried again.

I am still not past this depression, but I am in a better place. I am re-working at my testimony of who I am and striving to become a better person.  I think that Satan has been able to easily drag me down because I became complacent in prayers and scriptures.  I know that when life gets hard that I need to work hard to pull myself up.  I have learned not to judge those poor mother who have depression and I hope that someday I will be able to use my experience to help someone else in need.  Feel free to ask questions in the comments below or to send me an email, I am very open and willing to help in any way.

Postpartum Depression Part 1

I remember my first doctor appointment after I had Brett, they made me fill out a questionnaire.   I thought it was silly because it was asking me questions like, "Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby?"  I couldn't fathom the thought that anyone who just had a baby would want to hurt themselves or their baby.  I was young and completely clueless at the problems that mother could face after having a baby.

 Fast forward to a couple months before I had my sweet Emma, I was excited to welcome my sweet Emma into the world.  I have always had very tough pregnancies, with Emma's pregnancy it was no different. We had a few extra complications that were very frustrating and painful to deal with, but nothing compared to the sadness that I was starting to feel.  The worst part of the sadness was the inability to pin point the problem, I had no clue why I was so sad and so I just lived with it.  When Emma arrived I was so excited and she was perfect, but the excitement was short lived when we had to re-admit her to the hospital 48 hours after her birth.  It was three days of agony to watch me sweet Emma having problems, and the tubes and cords coming out of her didn't help my sadness at all.

Things got really bad when nothing in my closet fit, during the course of my pregnancy I had gone from 190 lbs to 150 lbs and then shooting to a whopping 210 lbs!  Nothing fit, not even at the store and the sadness grew and grew, until it had finally consumed me.  I was not in a good place and it was awful   I didn't know what to do, I was always tired and unmotivated to do anything and most of all I hated myself.  While controlling my weight after a bout of Hyperemesis is not easy for me, I hated myself  for not being able to control my body.  I had tried to exercise but I couldn't stay consistent enough to make any difference.   I felt so awful that I would lay in bed at night and just cry for hours.  Jon kept asking what he could do and I couldn't give him an answer.  I couldn't even explain to him how I felt, it was difficult to put into words.  I finally figured out a way to tell him.

 Do you know the story of the donkey in the well?  A farmer's donkey fell into a well, and seeing that there was nothing that the farmer could do to get the donkey out of the well he started to bury the donkey in the well.  With every shovel full of dirt the donkey would shake off the dirt and step up, eventually the donkey walked out of the well.  I am the donkey in the well, and my sweet husband the farmer.  There were a lot   people at my well, but all were confused and had no clue what to do so the just stood around and talked.  My farmer tried to reach me but the well was too deep and so a helping hand would not work and not knowing what else to do he just held his hand out there just in case I could eventually reach it.  Someone was shoveling dirt into the well and I couldn't shake it off, it was burying me, crushing me.  I just felt crushed and desperate.

Part 2 coming soon.

Who Cuts Hair In Our House?

Ugh, I have been so bad at blogging, and this time I have pretty much no excuses.  So with a new year I am going to resolve to start blogging again, just like I promised last year.

I love/hate being a busy mom.  Being busy means that the day goes by faster but it also means that my kids do get enough supervision attention.  Wednesday of last week, I was busy on the phone pretty much all morning.  I had just finished organizing thousands of picture on my computer and I realized that I was missing a folder of picture from our 2010 trip to Iowa.  It would be sad to lose any pictures of my kids, but this folder contained picture of my kids with their great grandparents one of who had passed away a year after seen them.  I was just sick at the thought that I had lost these photos, so I was on the phone trying to desperate see if anyone else had copies of these pictures.  Brett and Kate were down stairs "coloring" and Emma was napping.  Kate came to me and told me that Brett was running around with scissors and I told her to go get him for me.  He came up and we had a discussion about running with scissors, he agreed that it was not a wise idea and then went back to coloring.  I feed the kids lunch, get Brett off to school and get home in time to nap Kate and Emma.  As we are taking off our coats and shoes I notice a clump of hair on the floor, thinking it was from a hair brush I pick it up and throw it into the garbage.  As I am throwing it away I notice more hair in the garbage, then it clicks, someone JUST got a haircut.  The hair was long so that eliminated Brett and Emma.  I checked Kate, she had been scalped on the left, front side of her ear and her pony tail.  Kate told me that Brett had cut her hair when he was chasing her.  I was pretty upset and Brett was very lucky that we was at school.  Luck for us Grandma Ni cuts hair and she lives close, so we took a quick trip to grandma's house.  We had to take 7+ inches off of Kate's hair and layer it to make it look decent, and Kate was very sad to have her hair cut short but I had no choice.  I confronted Brett after school and he admitted to cutting Kate's hair.  Brett is still trying to convince Kate that she loves her short hair.  "Kate, don't you just love your short hair?" He'll ask, to which she has always replied, "No Brett, I don't  love my short hair."  Secretly, I am glad that Brett cut her hair, Kate hated me doing her hair let alone bushing it and I hated the whining that came with it.

Kate was having a bad hair day.

Kate now has short hair that she is learning to love and I still for the life of me can't find those pictures of Iowa.

You're So Pretty

I think it is safe to say that every woman has a problem with the mirror in our bathroom/bedroom.  We have a constant love/hate relationship.  We love it when we look and feel good, but we hate it when we have bad hair days, or when nothing in our closet fits, etc.  In the past I have let the mirror define how I feel about myself, but when I had children I realized that my behaviors would eventually transfer to some extent to them.  I was determined that I would eliminate words out of my vocabulary like: fat, stupid and ugly, etc. you get the idea.  

Even more important I wanted my daughters to have self confidence, to love who she is, and to not second guess who they are.  I never want to hear my daughter tell me that she is to fat, or ugly, or that she doesn't feel like she has any value.  

So when I would get Kate dressed, I would tell her how pretty she was. Then when Kate's hair got long enough that it had to be done up every day.  She would stand in front of the mirror while I did it, when we are done I let her pick out a flower and tell her how pretty she looks.

All of this I found out has some payback.  The first thing that I noticed was that she started telling me how pretty she looked, and I would naturally reaffirm to her that she indeed was pretty.  And the second thing that she did and at the perfect time I might add, was tell me how pretty I looked.  Kate started telling me this when I came down from my room on the first day that I had to start wearing maternity clothes with Emma.  Nothing made me feel a ton better about wearing maternity clothes, then Kate exclaiming that day, "Mama, you're so pretty." I could come down in the same shirt that I have worn every day that week and my sweet Kate will tell me how pretty I am.  What a blessing Kate is in my life

Emma's Birth Story

Ok, I know that some people LOVE hearing about other women's birth stories. I happen to be one of those people, and I love to share mine.  So I am going to post Emma's Birth Story and you may feel free to ignore this post if it is to much information for you.

March 12, 2012
I had been contacting ALL day.  I am still a week out from my due date, but I am so ready to have this baby.  Perfect timing too as Jon's mom is flying home that day.  Jon took the kids and headed for the airport, but didn't make is past  his stop at the gas station, our car died.  I found someone who lent me their car, with a little reservation, as I slipped that I was having contractions.  I guess it is a blessing that my contractions don't hurt until the very end when I am pushing a baby out.  I grab that kids and head for the airport as I fight with insurance for over an hour.  By the time that I am done with insurance, I am sure that I am going to have the baby that night.  Jon heads to the mechanics in the tow truck.  Alternator went out and the repair is going to be $500.  Yeah, not happiness that this expense is occurring before the baby is born, but it can't be helped we have to pay it.  Jon's mom stays with us that night as she has a car at our house(it is a manual transmission which is why I didn't take it to the airport).

March 13, 2012
I have visiting teacher to hurry and do today, because I need to get it done before our sweet baby comes or it will not get done.  I take Mom Wierschke with me and we complete my visiting teacher before my OB appointment that day.
We get to the OB and I tell her that we had been contracting all day yesterday I am 3cm, she strips my membranes, in hopes that the contractions will continue. I am 39 weeks today.
1pm-6pm: My contractions are off and on, but they are progressive contractions.

6pm-9:30pm: Jon and I decide to go shopping and get the last few things we need for our baby.  My mom informs me that I can;t have the baby today, because then she could have a Friday the 13th Birthday.  Well it looks like it is a little late for that.

9:30pm-10:00pm  We are at Kohls and my contractions have been 2-3 minutes apart.  People are looking at me weird, but I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am pausing every few minutes, not from pain but uncomfortable nature of a tightening belly.  We buy some University of Michigan clothes,because they are on sale and I love them.

10:00pm-10:30pm  I call Triage, and we drive to the hospital.  By the time that Triage called me back we are already at the hospital.  We are standing in triage and the nurses are rushing a poor pregnant woman to her room.  She is moaning and about to deliver a baby any second.  I turned to Jon and said, "If they wait until I am like that, then it is going to be to late."  As Jon and I know, I don't moan, when I get to the stage where that woman was at, my baby's head is sticking out and we are on the home stretch.

10:45pm: they are monitoring me, I am still 3cm. Grr.  I am frustrated, I know how my baby's come and this it typical.  the nurses just need to break my water and we will have a baby in 30 minutes.  We tell the nurses and midwife this, but naturally they know better than I do. They measure the baby, and estimate 8.5 lbs

11:30pm:  After they have monitored us for a while and are satisfied with the Baby's heart rate, they decide to send us home.  Even though my contractions are a constant 1-2 minutes apart.  When they told us this, the baby's heart rate drops to 50 beats per minute.  All of the sudden we have 2 midwifes and 3 nurses in my room.  they are frantically trying to get an IV started, which means we are being admitted.  After they made the decision to admit us to the hospital, the baby's heart rate went back up and never dropped again.  Since I had already had an IV started the chose to continue the admission process, with the blessing of the on call doctor.

March 14,2012
12:00am:  We finally get to a room.  I tell Jon that I was grateful that the baby's heart rate dropped or we would be going home, not knowing when to return.  I know that may sound bad, but my cervix stays at a 3 or 4 until my water breaks, then I go from that to 10cm in about 20 minutes and the last 10 minutes I am pushing. So you can see my concern.  I would have labored at home until my water broke and then I would have had a baby in the car or the lobby of the hospital, as it is a 20 minute drive to the hospital.  The On call Doctor came in and we laid out our plan of attack.  We were going to start pitocin, get an epidural, break my water and have a baby.  I told the Doctor that I was grateful that we got admitted because of baby's heart rate, but I that I knew it sounded bad.  The doctor's reply was, "Well anything to get past those Triage nurses."  Grandma got her way, it is now the 14th and Pi day.

2:30am: Pitocin gets started and anesthesiologist gets paged.  You may be asking why I got an epidural.  Well that is simple, I have been having gallbladder attack since about 20 weeks.  The pain gets really bad, so bad that I almost passed out once.  We have decided that I was not going to risk passing out during delivery so we decided that an epidural would be best.

3am: Epidural time.  The last time I had an epidural it was a pain to get in and Kate came so fast that it did't have a chance to work.  Still after 30 minutes of agony, we get the epidural placed now it is time to rest.

4 am: I have been watching the clock, I can't the epidural has made me itchy all over and if I scratch it make the itching worse.  Jon is sleeping, and he is going to need it.

5:45am: the Itching is so unbearable, I just might itch myself to death.  The nurse comes in and I tell her what is going on.  She goes and gets me some medicine and apologizes.

6:30am: Oh goodness, I am still itching like crazy.  The nurse is paged and she gets me some different medication.

6:45am:  Ah, I am finally able to get some rest.

8 am:  Doctor, Resident, and Med. student shift change.  Med student must have missed the memo that I had a rough night and come in to introduce himself.  I am half awake and upset.

9:45 am:  Doctor, Resident, and Med Student come in and introduce themselves.  I make a smart comment about already meeting the Med Student.  The Doctor checks me, we are still 3 cm(what did I tell you).  They decide to break my water.  They measure the baby, and estimate that she will be 8.5 lbs.  They break the water, not much comes out, there is meconium in the water.  The doctors are surprised at the lack of water that came out.  As the Doctors are getting ready to leave I tell them, "Don't go far we are going to have a  baby."  They assure me that they will not be far.

9:50am: Jon is rubbing my feet because they hurt.  The woman in the room next to mine starts screaming. I look at Jon and say, "I am not ready to have a baby."  He looks at me and lovingly says, "Well it is a little late for that."

9:55am: My contractions are hurting and I know that I need to be checked.  Plus I need more medicine pushed through my epidural.  Dang the Doctors they laid me flat and so my epidural is stretch from my toes to my chin.  The nurse raises me up into a sitting position and she pages the anesthesiologist and my doctor.  The doctors come in and check me, I am 5cm.  They leave and I again tell them not to go far we are going to have a baby and the next time they get paged they will need to run.

9:59 am: I have the nurse page for the anesthesiologist again.  Where is that woman, I need her NOW!!

10:05am: the nurse pages the anesthesiologist again.

10:08 am: You will never guess that we had to page the anesthesiologist again, but we did.  I am trying very hard to focus at this point and have the doctors paged yet again.  Jon and the nurse keep me focused, since my epidural is not working right.

10:12am the anesthesiologist finally came and was a little upset that the nurse paged her so many times.  I decided not to admit to the anesthesiologist that it was me who made the nurse page her.  More meds are pushed through and now I am just waiting on the doctors.

10:20 am: I know that it was only ten minutes since the doctors were paged but that is a long time when you are about to give birth.  The Doctors come in and my first question is, "Did you run?"  they said that of course they ran, and I was not convinced that they did.  they check me, I am a full 10cm.  Yep it took me 20 minutes to go from 5cm to 10cm.

10:25am: The Doctors quickly get their gowns on and prepped and before they were finished I was already pushing.  I am telling Jon that I am going to scream.  The Nurse and Jon both tell me that it is ok if I scream. I resolved right there and then that I was not going to scream.

10:29am: My second push and our baby's head is out.  What a relief, and I didn't scream! they suction her and we get ready for our last push.

10:31am: One last push and our sweet baby is born.  Guess go around at how much she weighs.  The nurse places her on the scale and she is only 6 lbs 5.9oz.  I am so grateful she was not eight pounds and the epidural didn't work and I felt everything. We still at that point had not chosen a name for her.  Her apgar was the highest of all my kids at 9, she is healthy despite all the crazy drugs I was taking to get through the pregnancy.  Now it is time to relax, shower and get ready to introduce her to the kids.